Writing on this blog has been good for me. Its almost a type of accountability to force me to think through ideas. Important ideas that affect my daily life. I am a person who’s mind can run and race. I can think and worry about things in my head and form an opinion or ideal that I have never been ‘forced’ to. If ideas are not organized and articulated they become jumbled problems in my head. I become my own enemy and fight with myself.
On this blog I can open up about my life and I do. I may open up a little or a lot. But I get to choose the exact amount of what I want to expose. Most of my life is like this. I get to choose what I show or what I try to hide. The part of my life where hiding the crap is the most difficult is marriage. Guys I dated before my husband I am sure have a completely different view of who I was or who I am than my dear husband. It ranges from things like what I look like in the middle of the night to how I react to stressful situations, how unorganized I am, how pitiful I am at handling money, how needy I really am, and what I really smell like after 3 days without a shower. Not only does my dear husband know about these he has to live with them.
Life is quick expose who we really are, what we really look like, how we truly act. Marriage has been a place where I am forced to or how I really am is organically exposed even when I’d like to hide.
That being said marriage doesn’t sound like a very good place. But it is a wonderful place because of who I am married to. He looks at me when I smell, when I lose my temper with him or the kids because I feel a loss of control, when I spend money on ridiculous things, when I am pregnant with baby #3 and call him 3 times in 5 min to test his phone answering abilities just in case I go into labor, when I tear down kitchen cupboards 7 months preggo with baby #3. He looks at me and tells me he loves me. Standing in my ring of aroma, standing in the field with a grower and his phone constantly ringing, standing in a kitchen completely torn apart, he looks at me and tells me he loves me.
I would like to say that it is because I have brownie points all racked up. He had a bank of memories to pull from so he knew this wasn’t his ‘true’ wife but a possessed version of his wife. But he knows better. He knows this is his wife. When he response this way, in love and with love, to me he has been a beautiful reflection of how Christ loves us all.
Because of this love I can run towards him instead of away. Because of who he is I don’t have to try and hide who I am under withering fig leaves like Adam and Eve but I can stand naked and exposed. I can bask in the light of his love.
Jesus does not love us because we have brownie points racked up in the bank. We didn’t get into his embrace and we don’t stay in his embrace because we have done enough good things and avoided enough bad things. He does not love us because of who we are but because of who he is. God loves us in spite of ourselves and solely because of HIS love and HIS character. And the only way my husband can love me the way Christ loves us, the church, is because Christ loves him.
1 John 4:10 In this love, not that we have loved God but that He loved us and sent his Son to be propitiation for our sins.
(propitiation: the act of appeasing God.)
1 John 4:18-19 There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love. We love because he first loved us.
Romans 5:6-8 For while we were still weak, at the right time Christ died for the ungodly. For one will scarcely die for a righteous person though perhaps for a good person one would dare even die but God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.
Romans 8:39 nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.