Warm Fuzzy Summer: I’m not feeling it

I am a little burnt out on summer.  I know it’s a weird and crazy thing to say but I am ready to have a routine.  I don’t need a hard fast you do this at this minute but I would like to have some idea of what to do each day.  As a stay at home mom sometimes it feels like I have to much freedom.  On the other hand being a stay at home mom feels like no freedom.

During the school year I know that I need to feed kids before school.  I have 6 hours before they come back through the door.  Summer…Summer is just an awful and beautiful free for all.  As I type this right now at 7:34 AM on Monday morning I have no idea what we are going to do today.  I have already been asked numerous times and I didn’t have a very good answer.  I can tell you that tomorrow I want to soak up on of our last Tuesdays and take the gang to see a 5 buck movie at the awesome theater with reclining chairs.  But today…I have no idea.

During the school year I know I can spend about an hour with my two year old in front of PBS kids and me typing away.  Summer has been a huge drought in the writing and reading department.  This morning though I was able to steal away on the deck and start a new routine.  Since I have been without routine for so long it felt so good to tackle something sustainable.

This morning I started reading the daily lectionary in the front of my Lutheran hymnal.  It feels good to have a plan.  It feels good to check off a box.  If feels good to know what I am going to read each morning.  I’ve also wanted to get into the Psalms more so today I started with number 1.

It hit me (again) this morning how much I rely on how I feel to gauge how well things are going.  I get caught in this trap.  I want my bible reading to feel a certain way and today it did ‘feel’ right.  I was on my deck with my coffee and the weather was perfect.

What about all the times it does not feel great?  The same thing is happening but my fickle feelings may be telling me something different.   What am I to do when it does not feel great?  What am I to do when it feels like nothing is happening.  Tish Harrison Warren reminded me when I read her book Liturgy of the Ordinary:

“There are indeed moments of spiritual ecstasy in the Christian life and in gathered worship.  Powerful spiritual experiences, when they come, are a gift.  But that cannot be the point of Christian spirituality, any more than the unforgettable pappardelle pasta dish I ate years ago in Boston’s North End is the point of eating.

Word and sacrament sustain my life, and yet they often do not seem life changing.  Quietly, even forgettably, they feed me….

There are other times when the scriptures seem as unappetizing as stale bread.  I’m bored or confused or skeptical or repulsed.  There are times when I walk away from scripture with more questions than answers.

How should we respond when we find the Word perplexing or dry or boring or unappealing?

We keep eating.  We receive nourishment.  We keep listening and learning and taking our daily bread.  We wait on God to give us what we need to sustain us one more day.  We acknowledge that there is far more wonder in this life of worship than we yet have eyes to see or stomachs can digest.  We receive what has been set before us today as a gift.”

When summer gets stale or I am not feeling as many warm fuzzies as I was about it back in June I still do it every day.  I need to remember that reading my bible is the same way.  It’s not always going to feel warm and fuzzy.  I’m not always going to get excited about it.  I’m not going to have an aha moment each time I crack it open BUT….it is still sustaining and growing me.

I may not feel so wonderful about summer but the rest is still sustaining and growing the kids and I.

The Psalm I read this morning reminded me that.

“Blessed is the man who walks not in the counsel of the wicked nor stands in the way of sinners, nor sits in the sear of scoffers; but his delight is in the law of the Lord and on his law he meditates day and night.

He is like a tree planted by streams of water that yields its fruit in its season and it’s leaf does not wither.  In all that he does, he prospers.”

Reading and hearing God’s word grows and sustains us.  We are like a tree that naturally wicks up nutrition and water through its roots.  We may or may not have a warm fuzzy feeling but we are being fed.  There will be seasons of fruit.  I have to say I don’t always delight in the law.  Thankful it has less to do with my disposition and feelings towards it and more to do.

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